Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
