How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
