Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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