my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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