My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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