She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
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Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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