I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
