So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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