My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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