I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
