Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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