I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
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Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
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So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.