Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
