So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I would fuck him just for his dog
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
