dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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