Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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