why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
