Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
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you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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