I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
