Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
