I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
