Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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