you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
