Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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