my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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