at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
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My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
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Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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