Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
