i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
