I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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