every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
