Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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