She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
