one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
