Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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