I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
