6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We are all done wearing pants today
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
