I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
