literally had 100 drinks last night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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