I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
