tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
