The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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