you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This is classic penis vs brain.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
