It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
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I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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