i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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