the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
