You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
