Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
