the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
That accounts for only three of the penises
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
