mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
