I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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