Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
