So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
