new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
